One of the hardest parts about getting a divorce is breaking the news to the kids. Whether the divorce is amicable or not, you both must convey to your children that things will be okay.
Communication with your children is an essential part of the divorce process. These tips will help you know how to talk to your kids about divorce.
Both Parents Should Tell the Kids Together
If possible, it is ideal for both parents to be present when telling the children about the divorce. This shows them that you are working together for the best outcome in the situation.
Use Age-Appropriate Language
Children often face psychological stress and academic challenges when a divorce isn’t properly handled. However, getting a divorce doesn’t automatically mean your children will be traumatized. The way you speak to them is important for them to understand what is happening.
Children ages 3 to 5 will have a limited ability to understand, so keep it simple. You can tell them that one of you is living in another house now but will still see them each week. If you have children in elementary school, they will have a better understanding, but it will still be difficult to comprehend.
They may think one of them is to blame or that a simple thing such as forgetting to wash the dishes was the reason for your divorce. Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault and that they can always ask questions to you and your spouse about it.
When children are in middle school, they tend to distance themselves. They also may question your authority and turn more towards their peers. High schoolers are perhaps the most challenging as they’re already trying to find themselves and gain balance in their lives.
A divorce could cause them to engage in high-risk behaviors such as substance abuse or suicide attempts. Their reactions may be mixed as they may feel relieved to endure less conflict at home but angry because one of you will now be less present.
Even if your children are adults at the time of your divorce, they will still require reassurance. They may even start to question their family life while growing up and wonder if it was all a lie. Being sensitive to their feelings and the memories they retain will help you to have an effective conversation about your divorce.
Regardless of the age of your children, the key to telling them about your divorce comes down to reassuring them that they will always come first to each of you.
Don’t Speak Poorly About One Another
If it isn’t possible to talk to the kids together, make sure you refrain from saying anything negative about your spouse or their family. You don’t want your children to ever feel like they need to take sides or become your mediator. As always, children learn from the examples that they see every day. Make sure the example you’re setting is one that involves conflict resolution.
Stick with Your Boundaries
You may no longer be together or live under the same roof, but you and your ex-spouse should be on the same page with your kids. You should agree to disagree on everything else and work to be harmonious for the betterment of your children.
That said, it’s best to avoid oversharing details with your kids, whether you are dating someone new or you don’t like something your ex has done as a parent. Keeping things neutral is ideal. You should also both uphold the discipline and boundaries you’ve set in your home together for the children.
Therapy Is an Asset for the Whole Family
While it’s true that there are well-documented consequences of divorce on a child’s development and future trajectory, your family doesn’t need to become a statistic. You can increase the success of your children by helping them cope with this stress.
Remember, they love you both, and since children thrive on consistency and routines, your divorce is shaking up the world they know. That doesn’t mean that you have to stick it out with someone you no longer love or who is treating you poorly. However, getting therapy can be beneficial to everyone in the family.
The Do’s and Don’ts of What to Say to Children About Divorce
Whether you have little ones at home or you’re empty nesters, these quick tips will help you tell your children about your divorce.
Do: Tell the Truth
Letting them know in an age-appropriate way that you and your spouse are going your separate ways is important. You don’t want to give them false hopes that you’ll get back together, nor do you want to spew vitriol about why it is happening.
Don’t: Let Them Think It’s Their Fault
The younger your children are, the more likely they will blame themselves. Remind them that you both love them and that you will never stop loving them.
Do: Get Them Ready for the Changes Ahead
Things will certainly be different, so let them know what is changing. Children are much more comfortable when they know what to expect.
Don’t: Place Blame or Argue
It’s important to create a united front and avoid placing blame. Even if your spouse was a cheater, no good can come from telling this to your children. You don’t ever want them to feel like they have to take sides or feel guilty for loving the other parent.
Do: Listen
Your children will need to express their emotions and react to this news. They may not have the words to articulate their feelings or how to approach the subject. Being an open door that is ready to listen without interrupting will help them through this change.
Turn to an Attorney to Help with Communication
Working with a divorce attorney from Salt Lake City, Utah, could help you avoid making choices that work against your children’s best interests. They can also help this process go more smoothly for everyone. You’ll gain valuable legal advice and find out the best ways to minimize the impact on your children.
